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Caring for Your Aging ParentsYour parents are doing fine—going to movies with friends, traveling, pursuing their hobbies. Then one of them has a stroke or breaks a hip. Suddenly you’re thrust into the parental role—and ideally, you’ve done your homework. “Don’t wait for a crisis to think about how to care for aging parents,” says Wendy Barnes, geriatric social worker at Lehigh Valley Hospital and Health Network.Start the conversation early. “Find out your parents’ wishes while the issues are still hypothetical,” Barnes says. Open the dialogue by bringing up legal matters that apply to people of any age, like making a living will. “Tell your parents that if at some point they can no longer make decisions, you want to be able to do what they want.” Get support from professionals. If you begin to notice your parents having memory lapses or trouble with routine tasks, even if they themselves are in denial, sit down with them, their physician and a social worker or clergy person, Barnes says. Professionals can help you decide what assistance your parents need and connect you with community resources. They also can get you through tough decisions. “Driving is a major example; loss of a license means loss of independence,” Barnes says. If the doctor says a parent should no longer drive or should move to assisted living, it carries more weight than if a child hands down the decree. Be your parents’ health advocate. “Accompany them on doctor visits, ask about their conditions and medications,” says geriatrician Russ Rentler, M.D., of Lehigh Valley Hospital and Health Network. “Have your parents give permission for the doctor to contact you if you can’t be there every time.” “You also need to be listed as the contact if your parent is hospitalized,” says Rentler’s colleague, patient representative Maryanne Falcone, R.N. Have one person fill this role for the family. “If nurses must answer calls from each sibling, they have less time for the patient,” she says. Become a care manager. Many adult children get exhausted when they add care of a parent to their other commitments. “See yourself as a care manager instead of a caregiver,” says therapist Pat Gordy of Muhlenberg Behavioral Health. Don’t feel you must do everything yourself. Enlist community agencies, your partner, children and friends. Remember to take care of your own health. Above all, get all your siblings on board. Even those who don’t live nearby can help by handling finances or paying for a service. Pay attention to feelings on both sides. “Aging parents have emotional as well as physical needs,” Gordy says. “For example, loneliness is a problem as friends and siblings die.” You need to be sensitive to these losses and include the parent in activities. When a parent becomes more dependent, emotional issues surface for the children, too. Old sibling rivalries can resurface over such concerns as inheritance. Between parent and child, Gordy says, forgiveness is a big issue: “Many people have unresolved conflicts with parents, and this is an opportunity to forgive past wrongs and let go of resentment.” This page last updated 2/12/08 04:08 PM
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